Sofie turns one today

Sofie turns one today
Originally uploaded by Agnes Dorotea

Sofie turned one yesterday and I turn 40 today. Well, I couldn't wish for a better birthday, even though I've always dreaded it. I didn't know then I'll have a one year old to share it with. It never occurred to me that life develops in ways you least expect it to. Life is pretty simple now, and that's the way I like it.
Sofie is taking her afternoon nap now and I'm enjoying a quiet moment.
Every year when I smell a Christmas tree it takes me right back to when I was about 4. We had those simple sugar decorations for the tree wrapped up in shiny silver, gold, orange or red foil. I remember what a treat it was to get to taste one. It was nothing else but a sugar cube but to me it tasted like heaven. Together with the smell of the Christmas tree.
Now when I watch Sofie grow up and laugh and look forward so much to little things (such as those her life is made of ) it takes me back in time but makes me appreciate those tiny everyday joys of life. She dances to all kinds of music and she can't even walk yet. Looking at photos of children (and herself) gives her so much joy she lifts up her little arms and waves happily. Life is actually made of such little things. Sun that comes out over the snowy town, river and fjord where I live. I look at the snow and ice where the river becomes a fjord and a winter sun shining above and I am so grateful. For Sofie and our tiny joys; for having the luxury of spending this precious time with her without the stress of going to work; for living with the man I love.

Dreading Christmas

Every year I'm filled with apprehension as Christmas approaches. I know I've dedicated a post to it two years ago, now again the same fears are grinding me. Living in Norway, exposed to all this consumer obsessed advertising about buying Christmas presents, decorating your house, baking Christmas cakes... I just get worried. Besides the fact that phrases like "Christmas spirit" are lost on me. I don't know what it feels like. As to decorating, I just think more work. As to cakes, I really like baking but with a one year old baby, it can be difficult. As to presents, they cost money, and I'm currently without a job. Stay at home mum temporarily. As Christmas approaches I feel depression sinking in. It is not just thinking about all those things that are expected at Christmas. It's the lack of light. I dream about purple red sunsets back home in Croatia. Then for the millionth time I rethink my choices about moving to Norway. But that's another post.

Before Christmas

There is not enough space to write all I want to write all day. But time gets splatterd around, oozing away, the precious hours slipping away. There isn't much happening, yet my mind works frantically trying to record thoughts that should be written down. Snippets of reality go away without being recorded. Life happens in the form of loads of tissues used to wipe away Sofie's face, fingers, her high chair. Food stains to be removed. Feeding the baby five times a day, getting her meals ready, cleaning away the mess. I wonder why I have such need to write it down. Life is so ordinary. I don't almost go out, my days are filled with taking care of the baby, housework, a few hours when I try to relax in the evening after she's gone to bed. But actually, all the time spent with Sofie is a blessing. There is nothing I want to do more than be with her. I don't want anybody else to be with her except her father and me. I don't need time off to relax. I don't worry much about anything when I'm around her. Looking at her golden hair is enough to disperse all dark clouds. Even though the last sunny day here was a few weeks ago and sun rises after nine and sets around three. Life has been beautiful since she arrived.

I have been a rather unfaithful blogger. Or a lazy one, I might say. It has been more than a year and a half since my last upload. I have had an urge to write so many times but I could just say I have been overwhelmed by time and things happening. Like having a baby and being busy. I have given up my job. Moved to another country. Then I realized how much having a job was actually a huge part of your identity. How people judge you and how I actually thought worse of myself for that. Things have happened to me and I wanted to live with my husband. For that I had to give up what I was doing. Then we had a baby before I had time to become someone new in a new job in a new place. And that was the best thing that happened to me.