Sofie turns one today

Sofie turns one today
Originally uploaded by Agnes Dorotea

Sofie turned one yesterday and I turn 40 today. Well, I couldn't wish for a better birthday, even though I've always dreaded it. I didn't know then I'll have a one year old to share it with. It never occurred to me that life develops in ways you least expect it to. Life is pretty simple now, and that's the way I like it.
Sofie is taking her afternoon nap now and I'm enjoying a quiet moment.
Every year when I smell a Christmas tree it takes me right back to when I was about 4. We had those simple sugar decorations for the tree wrapped up in shiny silver, gold, orange or red foil. I remember what a treat it was to get to taste one. It was nothing else but a sugar cube but to me it tasted like heaven. Together with the smell of the Christmas tree.
Now when I watch Sofie grow up and laugh and look forward so much to little things (such as those her life is made of ) it takes me back in time but makes me appreciate those tiny everyday joys of life. She dances to all kinds of music and she can't even walk yet. Looking at photos of children (and herself) gives her so much joy she lifts up her little arms and waves happily. Life is actually made of such little things. Sun that comes out over the snowy town, river and fjord where I live. I look at the snow and ice where the river becomes a fjord and a winter sun shining above and I am so grateful. For Sofie and our tiny joys; for having the luxury of spending this precious time with her without the stress of going to work; for living with the man I love.

Dreading Christmas

Every year I'm filled with apprehension as Christmas approaches. I know I've dedicated a post to it two years ago, now again the same fears are grinding me. Living in Norway, exposed to all this consumer obsessed advertising about buying Christmas presents, decorating your house, baking Christmas cakes... I just get worried. Besides the fact that phrases like "Christmas spirit" are lost on me. I don't know what it feels like. As to decorating, I just think more work. As to cakes, I really like baking but with a one year old baby, it can be difficult. As to presents, they cost money, and I'm currently without a job. Stay at home mum temporarily. As Christmas approaches I feel depression sinking in. It is not just thinking about all those things that are expected at Christmas. It's the lack of light. I dream about purple red sunsets back home in Croatia. Then for the millionth time I rethink my choices about moving to Norway. But that's another post.

Before Christmas

There is not enough space to write all I want to write all day. But time gets splatterd around, oozing away, the precious hours slipping away. There isn't much happening, yet my mind works frantically trying to record thoughts that should be written down. Snippets of reality go away without being recorded. Life happens in the form of loads of tissues used to wipe away Sofie's face, fingers, her high chair. Food stains to be removed. Feeding the baby five times a day, getting her meals ready, cleaning away the mess. I wonder why I have such need to write it down. Life is so ordinary. I don't almost go out, my days are filled with taking care of the baby, housework, a few hours when I try to relax in the evening after she's gone to bed. But actually, all the time spent with Sofie is a blessing. There is nothing I want to do more than be with her. I don't want anybody else to be with her except her father and me. I don't need time off to relax. I don't worry much about anything when I'm around her. Looking at her golden hair is enough to disperse all dark clouds. Even though the last sunny day here was a few weeks ago and sun rises after nine and sets around three. Life has been beautiful since she arrived.

I have been a rather unfaithful blogger. Or a lazy one, I might say. It has been more than a year and a half since my last upload. I have had an urge to write so many times but I could just say I have been overwhelmed by time and things happening. Like having a baby and being busy. I have given up my job. Moved to another country. Then I realized how much having a job was actually a huge part of your identity. How people judge you and how I actually thought worse of myself for that. Things have happened to me and I wanted to live with my husband. For that I had to give up what I was doing. Then we had a baby before I had time to become someone new in a new job in a new place. And that was the best thing that happened to me.

The passing of a dream

The passing of a dream
Originally uploaded by Agnes Dorotea

This is the view from my balcony. It looks to the west, so I have watched many spectacular sunsets here. And photographed them. I have lived in this flat for 10 years. Now I am moving to a different country, leaving behind the clouds, the sunsets, people I love.
I am waiting for the spring to come, thinking of the long evenings in Norway and the white summer nights.
I have resigned my job of 14 years.
I am trying not to mourn my life here that is almost in the past now.
It is, after all, what I wanted.

After Christmas, I turn 38

I'm going to disclose an abominable secret - I don't like Christmas. I do feel guilty about it. I don't have an urge to decorate my home with pretty red candles, Advent wreaths, mistletoe, bake all kinds of pretty Christmas cakes... I think my heart is totally dead to it.
I was growing up in a communist country, and we always had school on Christmas. I only got to decorate the tree on my birthday - 3 days later. And if you bought Christmas decorations it didn't say Christmas decorations on the box - it said "New Year's decorations". Needless to say I was not brought up a Christian (but that's another story - the one about the hidden Catholic values I only now understand were indeed strongly implemented).
My partner of last three years, husband for the last year gets so sad every Christmas now that he spends it with me. It breaks my heart to see him cry. He's Norwegian and was brought up with those great Christmas things like pepper cakes, Julenissen, (Norwegian for Santa), ribs for dinner (I am a vegetarian)... Then I'm eaten by guilt for destroying his Christmas.
Then, I turn 38 tomorrow. But that's another post.

A sentimental journey

About a year ago I flew to Bergen via Dubrovnik. That is the sunset I photographed while landing in Dubrovnik (no sunsets in Bergen in late October, rain as always). Anyway it was too late for a sunset. I had this fantastic idea I was going to visit Odd, whom I had married the month before. So I turned up at my boss's office and asked for days off (every time I have to ask people for favours, loans, anything, I feel like I'd rather not be there - it's not me asking, it's just those terrible circumstances that are totally beyond my control). So I got leave on Tuesday, and was on the plane on Saturday, to spend a precious week with my husband.
A year later, I'm still here in my hometown in Croatia as Norwegian immigration laws don't allow people from outside EU to live with their spouses until being granted the residence permit. And mine still hasn't been granted. We've been married for 13 months.
We're still travelling both ways, and we have no home we call our own. He stays with me here or I stay with him there.
There are days when I don't have doubts about what's to come. On other days like today I am apprehensive, having second thoughts about moving to a country which has a law that says newlyweds are not allowed to live together for some time (at least not there).
But there must be some higher purpose in that. It's just me, complaining about the horrible circumstances which are forever messing my life.
I don't like myself complaining - what's the use? Like I'm letting some officials actually create where I live? Never.